BLACK MARKET LIT
About Dan Woodstra.
Handshakes
This is DAN WOODSTRA. He is a senior with a double major in media production and doesn't know what the hell to do with his life, a fact that induces less anxiety than it probably should. He has a huge crush on Rachel McAdams and thinks Indian food is incredible. His piece is about a challenge that he, and a lot/ some/ maybe one or two other people, face in their day to day lives. It isn't a huge challenge, just one of this irksome little things that he felt deserved to be examined. If you don't like Minnesota, he will fight you.
Generally speaking, I see myself as being fairly adept in most social situations. I can talk the talk and walk the walk with pretty much anybody, call me the chameleon. However, there is one small (albeit crucial) part of the whole interacting with other human beings thing that I am not such a hotshot at…the introductory handshake. Not just that though, specifically the introductory handshake with other males of my general age in a non-professional environment. Specific, I know. But that’s what it is, what am I to do?
The crux of the problem lies on the one decision I must make as hand X approaches hand Y: should I go with the “hey good to meet you,” handshake, or the “what up bro,” handshake? I think you all know what I’m referring to here, and I suspect some other poor souls out there struggle with this very same decision. It feels like it should be so natural, such a basic action, so we huddle in the dark, alone, thinking, “what the fuck is wrong with me?”
Every time the choice we make turns out to be the wrong one and what results is sort of an awkward dance between you and the other’s hand. Lurch, bump, step on her feet, shit. Uphill battle the rest of the way. Then when it comes time to meet another dude all you can think about is your last botched attempt. Never good. And yes, that’s right observant people, I’ve just flipped this to where it is your problem, not mine. I think that’s called projection in the psychology world and perhaps a sign of some deeper problems, but we are not here to delve off into my psyche! No, back to YOUR handshake issues.
Anyways, as I am such an incredibly thoughtful and helpful guy, here are some solutions to this malady of yours.
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Avoid meeting anybody new. You know some people now, yeah? Of course you do! Well that’s it for you. Hope they are okay and stuff.
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Mittens. No shaking hands for you big boy. People will either think its really strange you always wear mittens, just an interesting piece of your quirky personality, or that you are incredibly addicted to winter based outdoor endeavors and must be ready to rush off into the wild at a moment's notice. You have a 66% chance of coming out on top here, so I'm thinking mittens might not be such a bad idea.
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Decide on which way you prefer to great your fellow male aged 15-25 and then brutally impose that handshake method upon every person you meet. You will shake hands the way you want, dammit. "My way or the highway, squirts." Go get em' tiger!
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You could stop being a 5th grader and stop fretting over something like a handshake. Jesus.